Thanks for the sight, Jeff. But - what happeneded? Did you remain as alternate, or were you called up? What did the jury rule?
I’ve been involved in two court cases. One as a juror, one as the prime witness.
I was a juror to a case where a guy spent all day at a bar (where he shouldn’t have been since he was diabetic) and tried to sue the bar when he slipped and fell, cracking his tailbone, and then refused all help at the scene. We, the jury, weren’t going to give the guy a penny when the announcement came (in the 3rd day) that they settled.
In the other, I was the only witness from the beginning to end of a situation that resulted in the police shooting and killing someone. One of the most painful times of my life was when I had to recount, in front of the decedent’s parents, the last 2 minutes or so of their son’s life. At one point I mentioned that I changed my position (going up some concrete steps) and I was asked why I did that. I can’t tell you the amount of shame I felt when I said “To get a better view” (the cops were chasing the guy across the street by now - I had no idea what was about to happen).
They wanted someone to blame but the Boston Police Department did everything by the book. In the testimony from other that I’d heard, it was clear that the guy had mental problems that were only getting worse. But the family ignored it. I think the lawyer was exploiting their guilt to try and find someone else to blame so he could get a payday.
I think this is your best post and I have been reading you for years. I think it is easy for technologists (myself included) to dehumanize life - participate only through a device (or three) and never really feel. Thanks for the reminder.
BTW One of my favorite songs is James Taylor’s Secret of Life - one version http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TlAD-b7yew
I can’t believe people are advising you get professional help, and I don’t see how this turned from a heart wrenching story about real pain from Griffith losing his Daughter to cancer, onto your own empathy with a family who lost someone close. That contrast is quite insulting.
I’m sorry you’ve felt such pain, but really, what you felt cannot be remotely likened to losing a child.
“To draw an analogy: a man’s suffering is similar to the behavior of a gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the “size” of human suffering is absolutely relative.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
To those who want to point out that sometimes (many times) there is no one to blame, realize that you’re fighting against one base fact: human beings are not equipped to handle reality.
Luckily, our brains have built-in defenses to prevent too much reality from overwhelming and disabling us. (In fact, the clinically depressed often have far more accurate assessments of control and even personal abilities, characteristics and how they are seen by others - unfortunately, the realization tends to make them dysfunctional).
Anyway, in summary, you have to expect humans to be human and invent cause and effect even when there is none - it’s what keeps us sane. However, just because it’s natural doesn’t mean that society shouldn’t recognize that fact and protect itself from the costs that such misattribution may have.
In a case such as described above, I’m not certain why the vast personal costs of the death were allowed to be made explicit to the jury, given that it’s immaterial to whether there was malpractice. A lawyers job is to win the case for the client, so I understand why he did his best to feed the same “someone must be to blame” tendency in the jury - but why did the judge allow it?
Hey man,
Thanks for sharing.
My wife is out having dinner with her sister. My baby-girl (2 months) is passed out on the couch next to me. She has been sleeping wonderfully, and I have been enjoying this time. I came online to catch up on a few websites, and your post set me off on a link-frenzy.
Thanks to your post, and a comment from nerdlicher regarding “the last lecture”, my mood has turned from bored to mother-flippin-inspired. Gawd, what a breath of friggin fresh air. I look at baby-girl and tear up in less than a second flat.
I needed this.
Thank you.
Jeff, next time for you: http://fija.org/ Fully informed jury duty. There’s a lot of powers judges and the system neglect to tell the jury about. Nullification is one of them, and how historically it’s been used to reverse bad laws (such as racist laws etc)
I’m sorry you’ve felt such pain, but really, what you felt cannot be remotely likened to losing a child.
Isn’t that the point? Everyone was somebody’s child. Just the reflected piece of someone else’s grief is so deep that it is very hard to bear.
Parents who lose children are never the same afterwards. You can see why parents who lose children through tragedy often become relentless, obsessed activists: they have nothing else left.
First: Thank you for serving on the jury. Not everyone understands civic responsibility.
Second: Being a parent makes this experience so much more acute. I still remember my own reaction when watching a news report on television about a child abuse case right after my son was born. Before kids: detached and distant. After kids: personal and real.
Third: I hope you do not post the verdict. The only way to properly judge if someone heard all the evidence and testimony as you did. Knowing the verdict would just create needless noise in the comments.
I rarely comment on blog posts these days, but this one struck me because I was just recently going over some old blog posts, including one about an attempted murder trial I sat on the jury for back in 2005(http://www.panopticoncentral.net/2005/12/21/the-trial-is-over/). It was similar yet different. I can entirely relate to that feeling of having to carry around the weight of what you’re hearing and not being able to talk to anyone about it. And the experience of having to sit in a room day after day with people who are basically going through (I imagine) the worst experience of their entire lives. Adding in the fact that there was someone there who really was responsible for everything that happened, and that he was still, somehow, a human being… Well, I was just really glad when it was over.
Anyway, no particular insight except to say that it does get easier as time and life moves on. But it is surprising to me how quickly it all comes back up, even seven years later.
Thanks for your post. I have really enjoyed your blog, and particularly the posts on being a parent.
I have three kids, and (as you mentioned in an earlier post), the extra 1% really does make all the difference. It is so amazing to see them learn and grow. I once wrote about sitting on the floor with my toddler daughter drinking chocolate milk, when out of the blue she turned to me, said she loved me and gave me a hug. Those are the moments that I live for and cherish.
I know this sounds cheesy, awkward, and [fill in the blank], but I also believe very strongly that death is not the end, and that family relationships can continue after death. Like Robert and Greg, I would suggest that you take a look at mormon.org. I agree with their comments, and mostly wanted to add a +1 to what they already said rather well.
I’ve read some of the comments here; a lot of it is too . . . I don’t have words for it. It’s pathetic. And weak – but not because of sympathy, or the desire to understand . . . it’s pathetic because our culture is pathetic. Because the society we live in is weak.
We live a life of lies.
Our little world is made up to pretend that everything follows a plan, that everything’s going to be okay. Remember that speech by the Joker about ‘the plan’? I hate to appeal to pop culture, but that speech is horribly accurate.
The truth is, the world isn’t fair, and there’s no promise it will be okay. One upon a time this was a little more common knowledge; in some places it still is.
The truth is, it’s easy to spend 40-60 hours a week doing work a robot could do, when you don’t admit that this is your only chance. It’s easy to spend money on things you don’t need when you forget that you may already be a walking dead man. It’s easy to look the other way when you ignore Death at your elbow, Death sharing your wine cup, Death tucking your children into bed. He’s always there, always ready, and one day, he’s ready for you – are you ready for him?
I have been reading this blog for many years now, and this is your best post ever.
Jeff, you and the family of this man are in my prayers. I have read your blog for a while now, but never felt compelled to comment until today. I am still pondering your words, and as a father of two children (one still in utero) myself, I very much understand the fear of losing my children, or of my wife and children suddenly losing me.
What gives me hope and courage when I have to face that possibility is my faith and trust in God and the hope of seeing them in Heaven some day. If God calls on me to give up my family, or my own life, then I hope and pray I can do so willingly, and unite my sufferings to those of Christ on the cross. I have not had to face the same sufferings as you or the wife you describe, but I have had other emotional trauma in my life, bad enough that I sought counselling for it, and I can tell you, it was my Christian faith (Catholic, specifically), combined with the love of my wife, that carried me through it.
I realize some may think this preachy, and I apologize if it comes across that way. You went out of your way to share something very personal with us readers of your blog, Jeff, so what I’m trying to say, from one father to another, is: there is hope and strength to be had in times of trial like that.
God bless you.
Hi Jeff.
I’m a ‘recently-turned-regular’ reader of your super-awesome blog.
This solemn and grave article, along with that moving speech at the start, have made me not open my mouth for the past 3 hours… I’m coming back again and again to read this piece, but there is a niggling question I’d like to ask.
Now, I’m about half your age, so excuse my question if it sounds petty, but I have a strong feeling that I need to ask you this:
You say that we are all to blame.
Blame for WHAT? Is it necessary to assign blame to someone? Is it so that without “blaming”, we can’t move on? When the reason is undefined, what worth will the guilt be of?
Thanks for share.
Jeff, thanks for writing good things. My wife is the most precious thing to me in all of the world. I become almost paralyzed when I think of what harms could possibly befall her. I can’t entertain those thoughts for more than a few seconds, and I must shove them out.
When reality hits, it’s difficult to figure out.
One day at the office an employee’s family was visiting for lunch, and their young baby stopped breathing for no apparent reason. They were never able to revive it. Although I was not directly involved in any way, its reality was shaking.