Trust Me, I'm Lying

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41

I’ll reply with an excerpt from Mark Twain’s essay On the Decay of the Art of Lying:

None of us could live with an habitual truth-teller; but thank goodness none of us has to. An habitual truth-teller is simply an impossible creature; he does not exist; he never has existed. Of course there are people who think they never lie, but it is not so – and this ignorance is one of the very things that shame our so-called civilization. Everybody lies – every day; every hour; awake; asleep; in his dreams; in his joy; in his mourning; if he keeps his tongue still, his hands, his feet, his eyes, his attitude, will convey deception–and purposely. Even in sermons – but that is a platitude.

…

Lying is universal – we all do it. Therefore, the wise thing is for us diligently to train ourselves to lie thoughtfully, judiciously; to lie with a good object, and not an evil one; to lie for others’ advantage, and not our own; to lie healingly, charitably, humanely, not cruelly, hurtfully, maliciously; to lie gracefully and graciously, not awkwardly and clumsily; to lie firmly, frankly, squarely, with head erect, not haltingly, tortuously, with pusillanimous mien, as being ashamed of our high calling. Then shall we be rid of the rank and pestilent truth that is rotting the land; then shall we be great and good and beautiful, and worthy dwellers in a world where even benign Nature habitually lies, except when she promises execrable weather.

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Radical Honesty. Man, I hope I never meet one of these douche nozzles.

Let someone be radically honest with me and embarrass me and you will find someone with a broken face. And I suspect, if most of you were honest with yourselves about it, you would react teh same way.

Imagine you are standing in line at the Movie theater and one of these radically honest assholes says “sir, I have to say, your children are the ugliest kids I have ever seen. I say this because I am radically honest and feel the need to say everything that comes into my head.”.

My first, and last reaction, is to beat every single thought of his/her head. There are countless reasons to not speak the whole truth and I can think of no reasons EVER to just speak out whats on your mind. If every did this you would find out just how ugly people truly are.

Its a terrible concept thought up by a bunch of sub-culture assholes.

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I tend to be honest most of the time, withholding what could be insulting. If I was radically honest I would lose my job, quite easily. Think of the movie Yes Man and the conclusion there, be open, but think for yourself. Same applies to telling the truth / lying.

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Radical Honestly is flawed due to a number of factors:

  • Truth is not absolute
    "Always tell the truth" assumes that ‘truth’ is absolute. In reality very few things are always ‘true’.
    Therefore most of the time we are not expressing ‘truth’ we are expressing a temporal thought restrained by a given context. In simple terms “an opinion” (as Clickok stated).

  • Context Exhaustion
    Surely to be honest you really need to place every statement in context. To say to someone:

“You are fat”

May not capture your true opinion.

Are you fat or obese?
Are you fat compared to someone else?
Are you phat ( http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=PHAT )

It is when a statement is placed in context that the opinion becomes clear(er)

“You are fat compared to Keira Knightley”

However providing context is extremely exhausting as so much of the spoken word assumes the listener/s shares a common context (which is often a false assumption in itself)

  • The spoken word is ambiguous
    This is especially true in English
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Some (most?) of these examples of truth are not.

@VickyLiu nailed it.

“Well…is there a payoff?” is not the truth. It is a loaded attack that hides what you trully feel and want. An honest response would look like this: “I feel exhausted from helping our son with homework. While I love listening to you, I would prefer not to hear the story right now.”

By redefining the truth as inappropriate obnoxiousness we allow ourselves to avoid the anxiety of being honest about our emotional experience. Honesty is not an attack on the other person, it is ego-less curiosity, a vulnerable exploration of our feelings. And it is core to amazing relationships!

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http://www.vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a8.htm

The commandment says not that we must be candid, nor even honest, but that we must not bear false witness.

The above is very nuanced, including the case where nazis ask if you are hiding jews.

Love the person, love the truth.

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Everything you say should be true

…but you don’t have to say everything true.

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+1 for Sam Harris’ short book, http://www.samharris.org/lying

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There are two different concepts at play here and confusion between the two is muddying the discussion. The first is the concept that distinguishes the honesty in a piece of communication: truth vs. a lie. The second is the concept that distinguishes the honesty of evaluation: truth vs. fantasy.

In the latter case, it’s how we approach the world around us that matters most. Are we honest about reality and do we deal with what actually is, or do we evade the truth and live in a world of pretense? In this regard, honesty–even what I might call a radical commitment to honesty–is absolutely essential. If we want to better anyone’s life, our own or another’s, we have to deal with the world as it is; fantasy and dreams don’t help. Which is not to say that we may always know the truth, or even that we know enough to know where to look for the truth, but that we embrace a radical commitment to discovering–as honestly as we can–what that truth is. It’s a commitment to not let fantasy intrude on reality.

The social aspect of honesty–what lies and truths we tell each other depends heavily on how committed we are to the first, more fundamental principle of how we relate to the world. If we are committed to truth then we recognize the enormous value–and vulnerability–of our relationships and so we treat those relationships with care. And, just as important, we recognize that not all relationships are equal. We don’t share our secret fears with the bagger at the Piggly Wiggly because the context of that relationship makes such intimacy inappropriate. We don’t tell a child that her piano skills “suck,” because in the context of development and education, relative progress in skill is more important than absolute talent.

It’s a simple truth that context matters.

What you tell your child after piano lessons (or soccer practice, or while they struggle with homework) depends on the particular context: what do you want your child to take from this moment? What does your your child ~need~ to take from this moment? False praise? Encouraging words? Assurance that next time will be easier? A careful warning that next time might not be so easy? A gentle reminder to pay attention? Or maybe they need to sit their but in the chair, stop whining, and do the work already!

Maybe you’re wife’s sister is smokin’ hot or maybe you’re just a sleazebag. Maybe you’re attraction to her is damaging your marriage and it really would be better if you said something. Or maybe you’re just a sleazebag. Maybe you’re not interested in your wife’s pointless story. But is it a lie to pretend to care about the story, or a lie to give her the impression that you never care about her stories?

A commitment to honesty, real honesty, demands that we pay attention to the context around us. Honesty demands both that we deal as truthfully with our own motives as we do with the motives of others. It’s easy to hide behind a lie. It’s even easier when you believe the lie to be true, but that’s a failing of the worst kind.

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To the point about talking to others being less fatiguing: i’ve been lying to my family for the last six years, and it’s pretty easy by now. Or i just don’t tell certain family members anything, and then that’s even easier. They don’t seem to notice, or are they just telling me they don’t notice?..

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I think a more useful construct would be to teach people how to deal with the truth. I think this would lessen the social pressure to lie. For example, if you know that your friend isn’t going to develop a deep resentment towards you when you tell him that he sucks at guitar (because he knows how to deal with the truth), then you are more likely to tell him.

I also think there are ways to deliver the truth without being insensitive to people’s feelings. I find showing is a great way. For example, going with the guitar example, get your friend around examples of great guitar players–people who have truly mastered the art. And if he really wants to learn, he will naturally want to be like at least one of of those masters. To do that he has to shape his practice and training around them and their habits–and perfect practice makes perfect.

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Kantian ethics says that One must always tell the truth, similar to the Radicle Honesty. I think the simplest rebuttle to this is: If an ax murder shows up, ax in hand, at your door step and asks where your friend is, and you know where your friend is because they are in your house, then I must tell the murder where they are. Certainly, it would seem, life is important, and perhaps in this instance I think that life is more important then truth.

We don’t only have the duty of truth telling: we also have a duty to life, I feel that Where we can save a life we aught not to tell the truth if the truth would directly lead to the death of someone. Thus we have the duty to learn to lie, and thus save lifes.

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Dear Mr. Atwood,

I am a huge fan of your blog, you have helped me in my career tremendously…

but how dare you besmirch vanilla coke.

Keep up the good work my friend!

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The stupidest thing about this idea is the “Wouldn’t it be great if you spent less time thinking about whether the person is being untruthful?”

Because it assumes implicitly that

  • Your adherence to “Truth” automatically means that others would adhere to the tenets
  • That all people are capable of telling truth from lies (personality disorders, etc.)
  • That people capable of telling truth from lies would consider your truth a truth and not a lie (politics, philosophies, religion, etc.)
  • That it’s possible to narrow down solid Truths, as mentioned earlier the incapacity most people have towards opinion.
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The only caution needed with truth is in the situations in which the audience is not prepared for criticism. Although it is a delicate task at times, it does not change the fact that telling the truth all the time is a reasonable goal. It just requires the desire and a little creativity.

Silence can speak for itself, almost as much as actions do, so use it as necessary to get what we need to get done.

Cheers.

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i make it a point to always tell the truth or hold my tongue. i hold my tongue a LOT though. i feel there are times though when it is reasonable to lie:

  • if the lie will protect someones life (no, im not hiding jews)
  • if the lie will protect a friend who has confided in you (if you prove you cannot be confided in, people wont confide in you and in turn won’t trust you as much)

times i consider unreasonable:

  • if the lie serves only to protect myself (except to protect my life)
  • if the lie serves only to protect someone’s feelings.

basically i take the vulcan approach to lying.

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I have experienced a Radical Honesty follower first hand in a relationship. From someone I loved I now can’t even be bothered to acknowledge them. My experience of the change in this person was a loving person to that of a ‘truthteller’ WHEN it suited them, they cheated on me on more than one occasion, and thought because they would tell me afterwards it was cool, because they told the truth! Truth is truth, when it becomes radical truth, ‘radical’ takes preference and diminishes the value of truth…

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I agree with your point and also with most of the comments. I read Radical Honesty and had the same feeling.

But them I read “Practicing Radical Honesty” and most of my doubts were answered (not as I expected).

I practice it, not all the time as I still have to work on discomfort. However, I saw that practicing it literally improved relationships (close and also acquaintances).

In the second book Blanton gives solutions and explanations regarding most of the objections. I think the first book presents a seductive concept, you’re right. The second one makes the seductive work, and polishes a bit the concept so it works in real life. Really recommend the second book. Read it and let me/us know what you thought about it.

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These days if someone asks me a question in a style of “Do I look fat?” I don’t answer them. I used to answer “yes”, every time.

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Recently I have been of the opinion “Tell the truth, but not the complete truth”. As for where I got the idea from, I refer you to Wheel of Time. In that novel series, certain characters have to take oaths to always speak the truth and they make truth dance a very fine dance to get around that restriction. Additionally, drawing from various religious teachings, lying is frowned upon but you would find they do not teach to speak the complete truth every single time.

Generally speaking, I am wary of speaking the truth all the time and opt not to lie as much as I can, therefore, the middle path of speaking only the very necessary truth.